Joke of the Day

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
 
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'


The room erupted in applause
 
Texas Chili Contest

(If you can read this entire post and not burst out into laughter, then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.)

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "FRANK", who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is
starting to look HOT ...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb!
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?



 
A blond 'City Girl' named Sue marries a Texas rancher.


One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Sue, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"


The rancher leaves for the field, and after a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

"I came to inseminate the cow," he says.

Sue takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man asks, "Tell me, because I'm dying to know, how you know this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she confidently explains, "By the nail that's over its stall."

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it’s to hang your pants on."
 
10176097_676982612339566_4855938109408927205_n.jpg
 
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to
die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane
who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Texas stood up in
the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark
brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved.
He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

... walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d'hotel, after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."
 
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and.... OH, MY GOD !!'

Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled...
'For f*#k's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'
​
 
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannouncedat 5:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is amess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the heck did you bring him home for?”

"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
 
mauidan said:
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannouncedat 5:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is amess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my
pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Whatthe heck did you bring him home for?”

"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
Click to expand...

:roflmao:
 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000. or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.00.

The man thought about it and told the undertaker that he would like her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you only spend $150.00."

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, and was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
 
Not Politically correct humor, but LMAO humor… (no disrespect intended)


Mohammad entered the classroom on his first day of school in Scotland.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Scotland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Benny."

Mohammad returned homeafter school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Scotland and now my name is Benny."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him.

Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Benny?” she asked.

"Well, shortly after becoming a Scotsman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
 
Bobvin said:
Not Politically correct humor, but LMAO humor… (no disrespect intended)


Mohammad entered the classroom on his first day of school in Scotland.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Scotland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Benny."

Mohammad returned homeafter school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Scotland and now my name is Benny."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him.

Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Benny?” she asked.

"Well, shortly after becoming a Scotsman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
Click to expand...

Very funny !!
 
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.


"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."


"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.


"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.


The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.


Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.


They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...


So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."


The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.


"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil smiles at him and says,


"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."



Vote wisely in November 2014
____________________________________________________________


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