Joke of the Day

Mechnutt

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On the AR forum we have a joke of the day thread, so I figured I would try to start things up here-

I don't have any new jokes right now so I will borrow a few that I posted on AR


Little Johnny went to the mall with his Grandpa. Johnny got separated from his Grandpa and started crying. A security guard found Johnny and asked him if he was lost. Johnny told him he was with his Grandpa. So the guard ask's him- "what is you Grandpa's name" and Johnny replies- "His name is Grandpa" and then he starts crying again. So the guard consoles Johnny and says- Don't worry we will
find your Grandpa. what's your Grandpa like?" Johnny looks up at him and says-

"Grandpa likes Jack Daniels and Women with big boobs!"
lol.gif




2 Cannibals were eating a Clown. One Cannibal looks at the other and says-

"Does this taste funny to you?"
biggrin5.gif









A man carrying a pig walks into his bedroom where his wife is resting and says "Here's the fat pig that I have been sleeping with". His wife then looks up at him and says "you've been sleeping with that pig?" The man replies "shut up, I wasn't talking to you".


Bada Bing!



So this guy is in bed with his wife and she says to him "Have you slept with any other women while we have been married". He replies No, all the others kept me up all night".
smilewinkgrin.gif






There was a man who was stranded on a desert island with his German Shepard and a Sheep. A year goes by and the guy can't stop thinking about sex. Thinking that he was never going to get off the island he starts thinking about the sheep. One day he can't take it any more and he decides that he is going to do the poor sheep. But every time he gets near the sheep the dog growls and snaps at him. After a few months of trying he finally gives up.

Then, one day there is a fierce storm and when it clears he looks out into the ocean and see's a Yacht sinking and a woman floundering in the water. So he swims out into the ocean and pulls her to the saftey of shore. He looks down at her and she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She looks up and him and calls him a hero says thank you for saving me. I'll do any thing you ask of me. So the guy looks down at her and says "come to think of it, can you take the dog for a walk for about 30 minutes.
hand.gif


 
ITALIAN ALTAR BOY'S CONFESSION





'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl .. . .'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'



"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now.


Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dominic walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'​





 
Haha, nice.


Little Johnny was in class one day & the teacher, trying to get Johnny to partake in the lesson asked him if he saw 3 birds on the telegraph wire, & he shot one, how many would be left. Quick as a whip Johnny says none as they'd all fly away when he shot the one. No the teacher told him, there'd be 2 but I like the way you're thinking Johnny.
Well, Johnny knows only too well when the door is left open so he's up with the hand & doing the "ooh oohs" out loud & the teachers is very smug that her ruse worked & the little fella is all keen to join in the lesson.
Yes Johnny she says.
Well miss, I'm just trying to get my head around what you said & would like to give my own example to see if I understand. Very proud of herself she assures Johnny it's all good, meanwhile remembering the echoing warning from the headmaster to watch that "little bastard"
So Johnny asks the teacher if 3 young women were walking down the footpath, each with an ice cream, the first one gives small little licks to the ice cream, the second really goes at it with the big licks like she is really loving the taste & the third, well she is just jamming the whole thing into her mouth all the time & not letting a drop of the ice cream escape. Are you with me on this one miss. The teacher tells Johnny of course but whats the question? Well says Johnny, which one is married?
The teacher now understand only full too well the headmasters warning but determined not to show any weakness & back down she looks him straight in the eyes & says "I would guess the third one Johnny". No miss, it's the one with the wedding ring on her finger but I like the way you're thinking!
 
LOL! Here's another

So there is this Walrus driving down the road in his car when he see's steam coming from under the hood. So he drives to the nearest service station and the mechanic says "we can take a look at the car and probably have if fixed in an hour or 2." He says to the Walrus, "why don't you go across the street and have lunch at the diner while we fix your car". The walrus says "thats a great idea" and he heads to the diner. After finishing his sandwich and ice cream he heads back to the service station and asks the manager "how's the car?" The service manager says "it looks like you blew a seal". The walrus then wipes something off his face and tastes it and says, "oh that, it's just the vanilla ice cream that I had for lunch!"
eek6.gif
 
Here is one emailed to me by Froggy (MarkW)

How I learned to mind my own business



The other day I was walking next to an insane asylum.

The wall was totally blank except for a small hole right at eye level.


I could hear, inside, the inmates chanting "13 ...13 ...13 ...13 ..."

Naturally, my curiosity got the best of me. I peeked into the hole and a stick poked me in the eye,

I could now hear, inside, the inmates chanting "14 ...14 ...14 ...14 ..."

 
Any Canadians here?

Why do Canadians do it doggy style?







So they both can watch the hockey game!:snicker:
 
2 Frogs were doing 69. One frog stops and says to the other "they were right". The other frog says "right about what?". The first frog says "we do taste like chicken!"
 
A 40 year old woman who recently had a face lift goes to the supermarket and asks the guy at the check out counter how old do you think I am? He responds- You don't look a day over 35. She says thank you, I am 40. She then goes and buys some shoe's and asks the salesman how old do you think I am? He responds- Why you don't look a day over 30. She says thank you, I am 40 years old. She then decides to stop by McDonalds to eat some lunch. She pays for the food and decides to ask the cashier how old do you think I am? He responds, why you don't look a day over 29. She giggles with happiness and says- Thank you very much, I am 40 years old.

She then takes her lunch and sits down on a park bench to eat. About this time a bum sits down beside her. She thinks to herself, what the hell and asks the bum how old do you think I am? He replies, I can tell you how old you are but I must feel your breasts. Being curious, she thinks about it and says ok. After a couple of minutes of feeling her breasts he says- You are 40 years old. Astounded she says, that's amazing, you were able to tell how old I was by feeling my breasts. The bum replies, nope, I was standing behind you in line at the McDonalds!

Bada Bing, Bada Boom
 
Another Joke for Canadians

A guy working for a Canadian company is getting ready to fly to sunny California on business when his boss calls him into the office and tells him "cancel your trip, I am sending you to Flin Flon on the border of Manitoba and Saskatchewan". Dejected, the man replies "Flin Flon! The only people there are whore's and Hockey players". To which his boss replies "My wife is from Fin Flon!". The businessman replies "She must be one hell of a hockey player!":disbelief:
 
Bloke walks into a bar has a few rounds, thinks, nice in here, really good atmosphere except for the bloke down the end who keeps calling the barman "donkey"! Actually starts to get his back up a bit to the point of when the guy leaves he can't help himself so he says to the barman "scuse me mate, I couldn't help but notice that asshole kept calling you donkey all the time, what the effing hell is that all about?" Barman looks at the bloke with a thoughtful look on his face & says" I honestly don't know, eeor eeor he always calls me that"
 
Bad Joke of the day-

What is a Pirate's favorite element-




























Arrrgon!


What is a Pirate's favorite vegetable-
















Arrrrgula!
 
A husband and wife where sitting on the sofa and the husband says to his wife "I bet there is nothing that you can say that will make me happy and sad at the same time" So his wife pauses for a moment and looks over at him and says-"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis".:disbelief:
 
A husband and wife where sitting on the sofa and the husband says to his wife "I bet there is nothing that you can say that will make me happy and sad at the same time" So his wife pauses for a moment and looks over at him and says-"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis".:disbelief:

LMAO!


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